Pip Bailey's Outsider Life

  • "For Vanessa Feltz, life is like a box of chocolates: empty." [RW]
  • “I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.” [?]
  • “Saw my mate looking worried. "What's the matter?" I asked. "I've got the big C," he said. "What, cancer?" "No, dyslexia." [?]
  • "I'm currently dating a couple of anorexics. Two birds, one stone." [DG]
  • “I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train. He was chuffed to bits.” [?]
  • "Wooden spoons are great. You can either use them to prepare food, or, just write a number on one and walk in to the pub." [?]
  • “My wife wanted something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds for our anniversary. I bought her some bathroom scales. [?]
  • “I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance. Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over
  • “A mate of mine recently admitted to being addicted to brake fluid. When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.” [?]
  • "As a kid I was made to walk the plank. We couldn't afford a dog." [GD]
  • "I bought one of those anti-bullying wristbands when they first came out. I say 'bought', I actually stole it off a short, fat ginger kid." [JW]
  • "I picked up a hitchhiker. You've got to when you hit them." [EP]
  • "Being an England supporter is like being the over-optimistic parents of the fat kid on sports day." [JB]
  • “Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield …. 3.1415927 dead!” [?]
  • "My friend said to me, do you want to wind my baby? I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.” [?]
  • “Statistically, six out of seven dwarves are not happy.” [?]
  • "Dave drowned. So at the funeral we got him a wreath in the shape of a lifebelt. Well, it's what he would have wanted." [GD]
  • "What do you call a kid with no arms and an eye-patch? Names." [BB]
  • “My son's been asking me for a pet spider for his birthday..£70 at the pet shop! Bugger this, I thought, I can get one cheaper off the web. [?]
  • "I've just been on a once-in-a-lifetime holiday. I'll tell you what, never again." [TV]